Sometimes we don’t realize we are angry. We walk around feeling we have overcome obstacles and situations. We are positive, healthy, happy, and we are just fine. Other times, we realize we are angry with a situation or person right away. We choose to either avoid that person or situation completely, or we face it. We then tackle the anger  and sometimes think we  have overcome it. We figure we have worked through it, we worked it out, and we faced it so we think that is the end of it. Then suddenly, a situation arises that reminds us that we are in fact angry. That person has gotten to us unexpectedly or that situation reminds us all too well of a situation in our life that once made us angry.

The key with anger, is getting to the root and embracing it. It is important to embrace anger the first time around. Sometimes it takes a while to find the root of it if we didn’t embrace it when we first encountered it. More often than not the anger we feel lies deeper than what initially triggers us to feel that anger. If someone makes a comment that strikes a chord with us, the anger lies deeper than that person and that comment alone. If someone has lied to, or deceived us that anger is beyond lies and deception. If someone doesn’t follow through with something they say, that anger lies deeper than them not coming through. More often than not, the anger always lies deeper than that person that we think we are angry with.

I was angry this past week with a parenting situation. I was not angry with my children, but with the one  whom I am co-parenting with. His lack of interest in something important to my children such as their end of season awards banquet and final basketball game, was a big deal to me. It was important for me to figure out why his actions or lack of made me angry. Surely it couldn’t only be that he wasn’t supporting his kids. If it were that, I would have shrugged it off. I am use to his detached relationship with them. Although it does pain me to see it, I have accepted it. That is his parenting. It has been for 12 years. And because he is detached, I over-function in attempt to make up for the loss. Which can be just as bad. It wears you out.

When I got to the root of my anger that day I realized why I was upset and angry when I saw the way my children responded to his lack of interest. It was because I could relate to their emotions. I understood their feelings of sadness. I had been there. My mom came to one 8th grade volleyball game and one basketball game my sophomore year of high school. I know all too well how much children desire to have that support. I know all too well that feeling of nervousness and overachieving on the court to strike their interest when they do actually arrive to cheer you on. I tried so hard to get  attention on the court, that I played worse as a result. I could relate to that feeling my son felt wanting recognition, and noticed. It broke my heart. Because I know how it feels  and what it does, I felt a need to force others to see it. But not everyone can. And that was the root of my anger. Not the fact that their dad has different priorities, a different agenda, or remains uninvolved unless people are watching. It wasn’t the fact that his uncle and grandpa arrived out of guilt late for the game and left without telling my son good job or staying to watch my daughter play 20 minutes later. It was because I related my children’s feelings, to feelings I suppressed and never dealt with. By embracing the anger the first time, we prevent seeing it resurface down the road, and unexpectedly.

For my kids, it was a lesson of :

“Just because its important to you as a person, doesn’t mean it is to others. It doesn’t mean they don’t care about you, people just have different things that they care about.” And I gave them examples. Grandma loves animals, they are her life. Do you ever go watch her do a presentation? Because you don’t does it mean you don’t care about her? By shifting their perspective they were able to not only identify their feelings, but see things from a view other than their own. It gave them the ability to  see how others could easily feel that way about things in their life. And prevented them from carrying a grudge. They were able to embrace their feelings of anger, disappointment, and sadness yet not let it consume them. They were able to see that it doesn’t mean they aren’t cared about, which is opposite of what they were feeling at the time.

I put my children at ease by expressing that they are lucky to have one, than none cheering them on. I explained that I realized this unresolved issue from my past  is why I am so involved with their sports, to the extent of coaching. And quite possibly why I am so passionate about coaching. It is beyond giving back what was once given to me. It’s about being there, any way I can.

For that conversation, my children felt good as I tucked them in that night. And I walked away learning “No matter how much we fool ourselves thinking a situation doesn’t make us angry, it will resurface if we don’t deal with those emotions the first time. Anger always has a root, and it is important to find it. Life is too short to let it consume us.”

Now I can look back at this situation as a learning experience. I learned a bit more about my children’s feelings, where they need guidance, and more about who I am. I faced another thing from my past that I had no idea affected me as an adult. Now I can teach my children how to decipher and filter their feelings when they feel angry, so they too can always get to the root of the anger. Leaving them unafraid to tackle life’s challenges.

What began as another co-parenting situation that annoyed me, ended as a lesson learned. I will always be my children’s #1 fan. Just because others choose not to be, doesn’t make them any lesser of a person. They are just someone unfortunate to have not experienced memories with these kids as sweet as mine. And there will come a day, they regret having never made them.

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